Hello my beloved perverts!
As I wrote the “Story Time” segment, many memories came back and/or reared their heads that I had conveniently forgotten. Funny how that works … we tend to remember the good stuff and sort of shuffle the bad stuff under the bed without much thought. As I move forward with this project, I expect to have many such memories resurface, and I am actually looking forward to them – and you get to come along on the ride! So – without further delay, here goes the 2nd Newsletter!
I remember the first time my husband planned on playing with my submissive girl. We had talked about it prior to arriving at the party, and I thought I was okay with what was planned.Nothing overly sexual or hard core; we were both brand-spanking new to the scene (about a year in), and sharing submissives had not come up until then. But since he had no submissive of his own at that time, I agreed to share her with her consent.
We arrived at the party (this was at her house), and they embraced with smiles on their faces – both obviously anticipating the evening and planned activities. I looked on, starting to feel less than charitable towards either of them. But I agreed beforehand, so I was most assuredly going to go through with this, no matter what. Looking around at the other folks there, I went and mingled, leaving them to it.
I kept catching glimpses of them, flirting and teasing each other prior to their scene. Nothing unusual, just the normal working up and building scene energy – but my emotions started getting really ramped up, and not in a good way. I felt very possessive towards both of them – one was my husband, the other my girl. Both were mine in different ways, and I felt absolutely no goodwill towards sharing either one of them – no matter with whom.
I stepped off to the side, realizing that I was rapidly deteriorating and no longer able to give a good face to others, much less good energy. Truth is, the energy that came off of me had people give me a wide berth, and I was left alone to stew in my own jealous juices. *I* could feel the ugliness that came off of me, and I could hardly stand it myself. My thoughts were ugly and dark, my brain leading me down unreasonable thought processes and sabotaging my emotional well-being. I was emotionally high-jacked, although at that time the term was not a concept I was familiar with.
When I saw their scene starting to play out, I lost it. However – rather than going off on them and throwing a tantrum, I found a dear friend and trusted person and asked to be flogged. He looked at me funny, and after checking with his Ma’am, he agreed to it even though I had never bottomed in public ever, for anything. After letting me know that he does not provide aftercare, we got down to it. This took place in a different room than my husband’s scene, and I got on the cross.
My Top’s Ma’am (and dear friend of mine) came in, got one good look at me and literally emptied the room of very curious bystanders that could not believe that *I* was going to bottom! She closed the door, and we proceeded with just the three of us in the room. He gave me no quarter, he knew where I was emotionally and knew what I was asking for. This was not a gentle scene, no teasing, so sexual tension or innuendo, no feel-good energy. This was catharsis; this was my chance to scream out my anger, to let go of the ugliness inside me, to cry and snot all over the place, to find an acceptable release for the unreasonable rage I felt … and I did. I don’t know how long it lasted; it ended when I collapsed to my knees on the bottom of the cross.
My Top left, and his Ma’am came to hold me, to let me cry all over her, to try and sooth my raw emotions. The door opened and my husband came to take over for her. We sat there for a long time, me huddled in his embrace crying and snotting all over his shirt. No words were spoken, it was not necessary. When I had myself under some semblance of control, I got dressed and we left the party.
That day stands out to me even after all of these many years, for two reasons:
- I experienced and truly understood the ramifications of jealousy and emotional high-jacking.
- I experienced and understood catharsis with the accompanying pleasant emptiness, and why some of our ‘play’ is more than just play.
This was the start of a very, very long journey.
The Green Monster
Jealousy is a very strong emotion, arguably on of the strongest ones out there. It has the capacity to destroy any relationship, not just romantic ones. It makes us questions everything we thought we knew about ourselves, our partner, our relationships. It is an ugly, dark, negative thing, it makes us loose our minds, loose our grip on ourselves, our emotions and reason. It whispers in the back of our heads, makes us question every little thing our partner does or does not do, always suggesting the absolute worst scenario. It manages to drown out that tiny little voice of reason that may be sitting in the background, suggesting that we are overreacting.
Where does it come from? What causes us to react like that? How is it that this emotion can take over our lives completely to the point of utter destruction?
To get more information than just my personal experiences and thoughts for this writing, I did some online-research on psychology-oriented sites rather than relationship sites. Those of you that know me personally are aware that one of my personality traits is a strong need to understand the WHY of things. I find that if I can understand the WHY of a thing, whatever that may be, then I can deal with it. More importantly, though, especially in my journey from Monogamy to Polyamory, understanding the WHY of my emotional reactions allowed me to work through them, one at a time.
Consider the following statements:
To be romantically jealous is to recognize that your partner might feel attraction to someone else, that he or she might act on that feeling, and that you might be powerless to stop it. This awareness can trigger a cocktail of noxious emotions, rage, insecurity, self-doubt, and embarrassment.from <https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201611…>
Jealousy also stems from feelings of inadequacy, though they are usually more conscious than with envy. However, whereas envy is the desire to possess what someone else has, jealousy is the fear of losing what we have. We feel vulnerable to losing the attention or feelings of someone close to us. It is defined as mental uneasiness due to suspicion or fear of rivalry or unfaithfulness and may include envy when our rival has aspects that we desire.From <https://psychcentral.com/lib/envy-jealousy-and-sha…>
Research on the social-cognitive aspects of jealousy has emphasized two factors that make a loved one’s involvement with another particularly threatening: (1) when it challenges some aspect of a person’s self-concept, self-regard, or other self-representations, and (2) when it decreases the quality of the primary relationship. In other words, people ask themselves questions about the meaning of their loved one’s relationship to the rival: “What does this say about me? Am I unlovable, unattractive, boring, et cetera?” and “Will this rival relationship impact the important things I get from my relationship with my partner such as attention, affection, and support?” The answers to these questions will affect the intensity of jealousy over potential rival relationships.From <http://psychology.iresearchnet.com/social-psycholo…>
Alright – so the WHY could be anything from feelings of inadequacy, desire to possess, losing someone, challenges to self-perception of any flavor, insecurities, and last, but not least, fear of losing our partners attention and love. One theory I read even went back as far as genetics, and the instinct to protect the partnership we have so as to keep our ‘mate’ that we worked so hard to find (Darwinism – you mate with the strongest, biggest, healthiest, etc.)
Yo – notice something? Every single one of those WHYs are related to ourselves, not our partners. These WHYs are not about what they are doing or not doing, they are about what we are reacting to. Just mull that over for a few.
I would add another dimension – social and peer pressure. Especially here in the US, a large percentage of people is raised with the expectation of monogamy, of marriage, of 2.5 children and the proverbial house and picket fence. This is changing, but very, so very, very slowly. In the meantime most people grow up learning that monogamy is the way to go. Ergo, not being monogamous is obviously wrong, so therefore one experiences guilt and/or shame when engaging in non-monogamy.
Looking back to my story, that one was quite obvious – possessiveness. I have struggled with that one quite often, and still do at times. I also had to admit to and work through several personal insecurities; we shall get to those another time. Let’s just say that I have done a LOT of work on my personal psyche and self-perception. It is not easy to reprogram yourself, and it takes time, patience and dedication – but it can be done.
If you are interested in reading more, here are a couple of links to articles you might find interesting:
Holy crap, Ms. Cenna, that was some heavy stuff! Got something to lighten the mood?!?
I tried to find something lighthearted and funny around the Jealousy theme, but this is the only thing I was willing to put in here. Fact is, there is nothing funny about it, and there are really no “good” stories to go with it.
Listen – I know I offered a doozy here, and if you need to reach out, please do. Just hit ‘reply’, or send me a message on Facebook. The links are below at the end of the newsletter.
Random musings …
I spent last weekend at my Boy’s apartment, not having left my house since SPLF for anything other than 2 grocery store trips and one to a plant nursery. I found myself unsettled and oddly misplaced although I have spent plenty of time at Lee’s place in the past. It should not feel uncomfortable or out of place there, yet here I was … feeling displaced.
The impact of staying at home, in my own safety zone with all my stuff, not intermingling with other people on a personal level, not hugging and touching folks outside my Family, of getting comfortable and finding contentment within my hermit-ing became obvious in those two days outside my surroundings of almost three months.
It made me think of what it will be like when we all get back out there, trying to pick up where we left off. Things will not go back to our old notion of ‘normal’, yet I fervently wish it could. What will future gatherings of kinky people look like? If I look with suspicion at other people in the grocery store that come too close, that don’t wear masks, that have their unmasked children running around touching stuff, store clerks with their masks hanging below their faces rather than covering them, etc. then how are we going to resume our old “normal”?
I think of the intimacies we, as kinksters, share as a matter of course at any gathering, from the random friendly touching and hugging to the much more personal physical interactions when we play, and I ask myself what it will be like in the future. I do believe that we will be doing much more online, and that is one thing that is coming out of this mess that I think is positive because online opportunities provide more inclusion than in-person events due to financial and available time realities. However – those are not a replacement for our energies shared at events, for the feeling of community bonds between us, for the love and care displayed when we get together.
So I wonder … how will we connect in the future?
If you think this writing can be of use to someone else, please forward it and encourage them to sign up for my weekly newsletter. I will be doing a lot of exploring around this topic, and many others that fall within
Relationships Skills for Polyamory and Consensual Power Exchange.
Heck – if there is a particular topic you are interested in hearing my story about, let me know!
With that …
Go ye forth and be kinky! But safely!
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