On being the Judas Goat

Beyond Vanilla 2012:

When I decided to attend Master Z’s workshop on “Primitive SM Practices”, I expected some truly awesome primal ways of up-close and personal SM, growling, biting, punching, boxing… etc. You know? Primitive Play … Boy, was I ever wrong.

Master Z proceeded to tell us about the ritual he was going to perform, the purpose thereof, and that someone in the audience would be his “bottom” in the role of the Judas Goat. The purpose of this ritual was to allow people to give away something negative that they have been toting around and no longer needed, and in return fill that space that just opened up with something positive for the future.

The way this was to be achieved is that the Judas Goat will have needles (piercing of the flesh) inserted with every negative thing being given away, while being touched by the ‘giver’. Once the piercing part was complete, the needles would be removed one by one, while people were to walk up and touch the goat while asking for something positive.

As soon as he started talking about the purpose of the ritual, my entire body started … “humming” … I can’t really describe it any other way. My intellect found this quite interesting, and observed the adrenaline rush running through me very objectively. My spirit declared quite vehemently that I am the goat. ??? Me?? Why?

My spirit/soul – whatever you want to call it – was very insistent that I do this, and so when Master Z intoned “Who here feels called upon to be our Judas Goat?”, my arm shot up without a moments hesitation. Two other people also felt called, but in the end I was chosen as the one, and oddly enough I knew it would be me. The ritual began …

As I was laying on the table, receiving one needle after the next, being touched by people as they gave me their negative stuff, I felt as though as I was being filled up. I made a point out of looking every person into their eyes if I was able, as I received the piercing for them. By the time I had received 35 needles, I was sobbing, thrumming throughout my body, my teeth were clattering without pause, and I felt as though a giant was trying to press me into a smaller body. In retrospect, I think it was my now overly-full energy body trying to expand to accommodate all the ‘extra’ that had been passed onto me.

I also noticed that while some needles did not even register on the pain scale, others hurt like the dickens. Why was that? Observers tell me that the needles pertaining to my Family members and people in the audience that I care for appear to hurt the most, while complete stranger’s needles did not bother me nearly as much. I do recall as I was receiving the piercings for my two boys and my mother-in-law, that I would have passed out had I been standing up.

As I was laying there, my upper chest covered in blood from the needles, thrumming, vibrating, compressed feeling, I noticed a very peaceful corner of my mind, my soul, my spirit. It felt right that I did this thing, that I took these people’s pain into me to help them to move on with their lives. Yes, it hurt, yes, it made me feel … befouled somehow, but – I knew I was strong enough to deal with it, that my spirit would deal with it, and that I would not have any long-lasting negative effects to deal with.

As the ritual reversed, and people came up to take something positive with each needles that was removed, I felt as though I was being drained of all the .. good stuff. Once again, some needles did not hurt at all coming out, while others made me call our Shaman names. When it was done, I was simply drained. I laid there, arms stuck out to my side, hanging in the air, and re-learned how to take deep breaths. Our Shaman did his best to take all the bad stuff out of me at the end of the ritual, but I knew some of it was left, and mine to deal with personally at another time.

As I sat up and received all the people coming up to me to thank me for my role, a tremendous feeling of peace came over me, and although I was half-naked, bloody, drained and weak-kneed, I knew I did the right thing. There was not a dry eye in the room, the energy floating around was just … amazing.

This was a very powerful experience, not only for the participants in the audience, but also for myself. I learned something about myself during that 90 minute time slot with Master Z, when time and place suspended and we entered a different world for a short time. A place of healing and forgiveness, of tears and joy, of giving and taking…

I walked away thankful for the gift of having been able to help so many people get rid of negative things in their lives, and giving them something positive to move forward with. What more could I ask for?

With deep gratitude to Master Z,

Ms Cenna

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