Hello my beloved perverts!
As we continue to be socially responsible, our kink needs are put on the back burner for a lot of us. Some of us are lucky enough to have a play space, and their play partner with them, some are not. Just about any conference and event we had looked forward to has been canceled or delayed, and with that our chances to interact with our like-minded brothers and sisters. What remains of this year is looking bleak in that regard, especially here in Texas – the numbers are going up at over 8000 new cases a day as of July 1st, and even the 4th of July celebrations are more or less canceled.
As I am looking at the remainder of this year’s events still ‘on’ as of today, I have to ask myself very seriously if I can allow myself to take the risk to attend. As someone with a compromised immune system, I am at higher risk should I catch the virus, and that scares the crap out of me. On the other hand, I am starved for my people, social interactions, the energy of a well-attended dungeon, the feasting taking place when a scene goes incredible right.
I was supposed to teach at 13 events this year, and so far only three are left that have not canceled (yet). I was looking forward to a year of traveling all over the country with my Boy Lee, expanding my horizons, meeting new people, seeing places I have not seen before, meeting kinksters that come from very different backgrounds and have different ideas of what kink looks like than we have down here in TX. I was looking forward to exposing myself to situations that historically made me feel uncomfortable, stretching my own boundaries, and starting a journey along a new stretch of road.
Yet – here we are. Looks to me like this year is a year of waiting, of putting live on hold in many ways, of sitting back and having all the time in the world to do some self-reflection, take time for ourselves and our needs, working on whatever personal issues we may have, of stretching our intellect and/or crafty skills, of learning how to connect to people in a different way.
ZOOM has taken the place of life events, and we are all realizing that we can have educational events without having to travel anywhere. While that is an awesome thing, and I applaud those that take full advantage of the technology available to push forward and continue to educate, like my Boy Lee does, reaching out to folks that never had the means or ability to attend life events, it has its limits. Yet, as far as I can tell, it is the new ‘normal’, and I do believe it will stay even after we are back to personal interactions.
Like it or not, the world has changed, the way we interact with people has and will change further, and there isn’t a damn thing to do about it but to accept and adapt. As kinksters, we are used to having negotiations for interactions, to share health reports with each other prior to play/partnering up, to practice safe sex and be generally risk aware. I am certain that whether or not someone had COVID will be part of future negotiations for interactions, or whether or not someone has gotten a vaccine for it (once there is one), and a new level of risk awareness will have to be cultivated.
Early this year Lee and I have discussed looking for a service person for the both of us, sharing someone that is interested in providing domestic services not only for his home, but also mine. We put together a list of desired qualities and skills, and were posed to start looking. Well – he was, as it is his job. In my world, certain domestic services are required from my s-types – such as cleaning the bathrooms, help keeping the kitchen clean, laundry, etc. Honestly, what I want in terms of domestic service is a ‘traditional 50’s style wife’, no matter their sex/gender/orientation. While Lee is capable of being just that, this is not how I want to utilize his not inconsiderable skills and strengths. Additionally, he has his career to attend to, which takes up the majority of his time and energy.
My stance has always been that if you are in my service, and aren’t fond of doing certain duties, find someone that is. Understand that whomever you find will have to provide the duties you pass on to them up to my standards, and you will be responsible for them and their work. In this particular instance, Lee would be their primary D-type, although I would be the ultimate “the buck stops here”. However – I feel no need to be the direct go-to in this scenario. I trust Lee to take care of it, and get things done within the framework I provide and/or have provided so far.
Disclaimer: I am going to write from the perspective of the D-type; however, the same principles apply to both sides of the slash.
Perhaps you too have been in this situation: You meet a s-type, you hit it off, there is interest on both sides to explore the possibility of taking them into service. You set up a meeting in a relative neutral space to do some foundational work and explore if you are a good fit, what you are looking for, what they are looking for, whether or not what you both want from the other side of slash is being offered and is acceptable. After a couple of hours conversation and negotiation, you are both excited and are looking forward the next time you see each other – at your place to test out the proposed dynamic.
At first, things are awesome! You give them the run-through of what you want, how you want it done, show them where everything is and leave them to their own devices to get the job(s) done. They come to you to ask questions, to clarify, to make sure they understand exactly what is expected. Their goal is to please you, so they are doing what they feel they need to do in order to do so. For the first month or so you are excited that they are so dedicated and obviously eager to do well … in the second month you are wondering why they are still asking the questions they are asking – you have been over that topic several times already, and they have the information they need to get the job done.
Come month three, you are getting irritated with their constant questions and clarifications – why are you asking questions you already have the answer to?!? We have been over this already – are you listening when I talk? Are you trying to get ‘bad’ attention to earn ‘punishment’? You know that won’t work with me. So what the hell is happening here? I give you plenty of personal attention outside of your services you provide to me, I am holding up my part of the negotiated dynamic and interactions … why are you being a pain in my ass?
Matching service provider (s-type)/receiver (D-type)
Every individual has their own way of getting things done, and their own personalities that dictate how they go about said things. Some people require a lot of instructions, diagrams, videos, etc. to learn something, some people just sort of figure it out as they go along. A lot of folks are in the middle of that spectrum. It does not matter if you are s- or D- type – this is true for everyone.
The first step to find a good match for you is to figure out where your personality fits within this spectrum either as the D-type (what is your style of dominance?) or the s-type (what is your preferred way of giving service?):
Hands-on – very controlling, little to no anticipatory service expected or desired, hands-on dominance for every aspect of the provider’s service.
Hands-off – fairly loose control, anticipatory service expected and desired, pro-activity based on partner’s knowledge of one’s person appreciated.
There is no right or wrong here, no better or worse – it is simply a fact that some people prefer to have control over everything that the service provider does, while some service providers prefer to be told/shown once or twice and then left alone to get XYZ done. If you are Hands-On Dominant, obviously a Hands-off submissive will not be a good match for you and vice versa.
The second step is figuring out what is motivating the service provided. There are three categories; transactional, devotional, andpositional.
Transactional is basically trading X for Z. You clean my bathroom, I give you a whipping scene. Straight up barter.
Devotional is based on love and/or respect (not necessarily romantic love). The receiver is looking for the labor of love, no matter the task. The provider is offering service out of love and/or respect for their Dominant.
Positional service is providing service for the personal satisfaction and fulfillment. It does not matter who the service is for or what entails.
Why is knowing the service motivation of your potential s-type (and as a s-type knowing what motivates you) important? If you are aware of the motivation, you have a better basis for your negotiations. Knowing what is being offered allows for clearer negotiations and less to no misunderstanding later on. The motivation can certainly change over time, so check-ins periodically are advisable.
Other things to consider are time restraints, physical ability, availability, and other realities of life. If I need someone that can come in every week for two days, and the person I am considering can only offer one day a week, then we are not a good match. If I need someone that can do strenuous yard work for me, or work for prolonged periods of time in the heat of the summer, then perhaps a person with physical disabilities is not the best choice. You get my drift.
I hope I gave you something to think about in terms of finding the right service provider for your needs and vice versa. Being clear on what you want, what your preferred style of interaction is, and your ability to provide clarity on both of those two points will go a long way towards finding the right person.
Personally, I am damn near straight up Hands-Off with some exceptions. I have found that I need my subs/service providers to be independent, self-motivated, observant of myself to provide/offer anticipated service, capable of making decisions within the framework I have provided without constantly checking in with me. I know other Dominants that are exactly the opposite, and that is cool too. The trick is knowing where you fit on the scale, and finding a counterpart to compliment your own style.
I teach a full class on this topic that goes much more in depth than this blog entry provides. If you are interested in diving in deeper, contact me and we can make arrangements to set up an online-class or something along that line. You can find more information about this, and other classes I offer, on my website.
With that, my beloved pervs,
Go ye forth and be kinky! But safely!
Facebook: MsCenna Austin